My journey into the darkness and through the darkness into light

My original title for this entry was “My Journey from Darkness to Light,” and I had just a blank page underneath the title. I hadn’t yet figured out how to start this post. I knew it would come to me. I had no idea how it would come to me, but I had faith that it would. And boy, did it ever! Thank you to KellyRae Brown from the Be Your Own Hero FB page. See the attached picture for what she wrote. It was the last two sentences that triggered me.

*** Clarification: stress, anxiety, depression, as well as many other mental health issues are REAL! They are legitimate health concerns that many suffer and struggle with daily. There are times when the mental health issues are so overpowering that there is nothing anyone can do but flow with them and wait for the calm to come, and it does come, eventually. This is my personal journey and how I was able to help control my anxiety, depression, and stress. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with them sometimes, BUT I have tools in place that help me when I’m struggling. ***

Now, back to the blog: I wanted to argue. I wanted to stand up and say, “NO, why the hell would I ask for/decide to have Anxiety and Depression and Stress.”

But then I started thinking about it and went back to the “start,” or what I thought was the start, of my severe case of “functional” depression and anxiety – September 2017, when I basically collapsed. But I quickly realized that it started long before that.

That my depression, anxiety, and stress started the moment I chose to give up a little bit of my power.

  • It started when I said “yes” to something, even when all I really wanted to do and say was “no.”
  • It started when I started putting other people first in all areas of my life, where I CHOSE to be last, go last, do last.
  • It started when I started doing more for other people than I was doing for myself.
  • It started when I started doing things others thought I should be doing, not for my own good, but theirs.
  • It started when I stopped being who I was;
    • when I stopped my voice from speaking;
    • when I stopped listening to that voice inside me – my inner intelligence.
    • When I kept telling that voice to be quiet, that I could do this “one thing just this one time” and still be okay and be me.
  • When I put other people’s opinions of me ahead of, and deemed them more important than, my own opinion of myself; more important than my wants, desires, dreams, feelings, and thinking; more important than ME.

And as I kept giving away more and more of my power, only little bits at a time, mind you, I started to stop being ME.

My body started hurting. My mind became foggy. My heart started to hurt. My soul was TIRED – like beyond tired.

It was tired of trying to scream at the tops of its lungs to try to get me to listen. I couldn’t hear it – I had closed my ears, mind, heart, and body to my soul, my higher self, my inner intelligence, my authentic self.

At the time, of course, I didn’t realize how much of ME I had given away until it came to the point where I was just a shell of a human being, managing (barely) on autopilot – getting up, going to work, coming home, cooking, cleaning and going to bed to do it all again the next day.

But there was more to it – I was getting sick constantly (my body was screaming at me, too), I wasn’t sleeping very well, and I was basically feeling like crap. I wanted to lose myself in my books as it was my happy place, my safe place where people were happy, with jobs they loved, with voices that they allowed to be heard, with love that would light up the world.

Don’t get me wrong, from the outside, it looked like I had a good life – husband, kids, a good job, car, home, loving family, and friends, but inside, I was dying, all because of the choices I had made.

My breakdown came in this form: I felt like I was carrying around acres and acres of chains, around me, on me. I felt stuck in a glass box that I couldn’t break or figure a way out of. I didn’t even want to go home as I didn’t want to deal with anything. I felt stuck in an unhealthy environment at work where I felt like people were out to “get me.” I was constantly on the verge of tears, and at the same time, I felt absolutely NUMB. Let me repeat that: I felt absolutely NUMB.

I could go on and on about all of the external factors that “helped” get me into the situation I found myself in – various traumas coming back to haunt me, children leaving the nest, family getting sick, and others with medical issues, including depression, needing to work coz we needed the money, etc. But in reality, this all started when I first gave away that little piece of my power, when I allowed someone else to have power over me.

I know, I can hear you, yes, BUT – your bosses have power over you and your job; your partner’s needs, wants, and desires matter; you’re a parent, and you have kids to take care of; you have friends and family who make demands on your time, and you value their opinions.

I could go on and on, and I did for the longest time! (I still do from time to time. 🤣)

I used to call myself a “functional depressive” as I could keep going through the motions, and most of the time, with a smile on my face, but man, inside, I was DYING! I was becoming less and less of a person and more and more like a puppet, a NUMB puppet.

I was becoming more and more afraid: to speak up, to be heard, to voice my opinion, of what someone else thought of me, of losing my job, of losing my husband, of…………..

I didn’t know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to. I just felt stuck and numb with nowhere to go.

I finally listened and slowed down, and if I hadn’t, I do believe that I would have ended up in the hospital.

I reached out to both a social worker and a psychologist coz I knew I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere on my own because, in reality, while I had gotten myself there, I really couldn’t see any way out. No one, including myself, knew how deep the wounds that needed healing were, how long, twisted, and windy the roots were, and how much I had hidden from others and myself.

So I did the work – talked, listened, implemented, discarded, and then I did more, and sometimes over and over the same spot coz once one layer was removed, it ended up exposing a deeper layer and a deeper part of the issue.

Fast forward about 8 months, and I was finally starting to feel like I could see light at that end of the tunnel, where I thought that I might be ready to go back to work and back to life…. WHAM, was I wrong. I ended up breaking both ankles in an accident – two casts, a wheelchair, and crutches; here I come.

I guess I still wasn’t listening to my body and my soul, I guess I still had more work to do on myself before I was ready to move forward, and man, was that ever right!

It was in this time of total immobility that my most profound healing, my greatest growth, and my deepest fears, insecurities, worries, doubts, and habits finally came to light.

Where the acceptance of myself, all the little itty bitty parts of me came to pass. What else could I do other than think, recognize, realize, and trust that this, too, was part of something greater than myself?

I couldn’t go out and escape my thoughts, I couldn’t keep busy with other “busy” tasks to escape my thoughts; all I could do was read, watch TV (which I don’t like to do too much) and sleep, and even that was difficult due to the discomfort and pain.

So, I thought, I raged, I cried, I lashed out, I grew frustrated, and then I stopped. I listened, I heard, and I accepted. I learned about myself and my perceptions, expectations, thoughts, feelings, and judgments of both myself and others. And I did it all again and again.

As I continued to work through whatever came up to be processed, more and more of those chains that had hindered me started to fall away. I became lighter, more settled, and more content.

I continued to work with my psychologist, but I also knew I needed more. Something was starting to make itself heard and known growing inside me.

Some searching and reaching out was calling out to me; something long forgotten was asking to be remembered and to come to the forefront. There was a yearning for more – more information, more understanding, more light, just more.

So I started reaching out – online, with friends, with my psychologist, for assistance, guidance, and inspiration. The only thing I knew for sure was that in order to heal and grow fully, I would need to open up the parts of me that I closed off when I was much younger – the magickal parts of me. The parts that just “knew” there was more to life than what is visible to the naked eye, that felt and spoke with spirits and ghosts, that could feel the energy in a room, those parts (and more)!

I don’t exactly remember how I first found members of my “tribe,” but it was through this outreach that I was able to meet many people from all over the world and found parts of my tribe, parts of something that I was missing.

I have grown so much since all of this occurred, and I am still growing, expanding, and learning, and will continue to do so until I am no longer here. The journey is not over by any stretch of the imagination, and I am loving every minute of it.

I still have bad days, but what is now different is that I’ve learned how to deal with and handle my bad days. One of my favourite quotes is: “You’ve handled 100% of your bad days so far” (author unknown)

I’ve learned what it feels like when I give up my power and when I am standing in my power! I’ve learned how to get my power back.

I’ve learned that I can be “all that and more” and still be a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend.

I’ve learned that even when things look the bleakest, we can still find blessings and appreciation, for there are often miracles to be had within those bleakest times.

I’ve learned that life is an ebb and flow and that balance is needed in life in all areas.

I’ve learned that it is okay to trust myself, believe in myself, and be okay with not having all the answers, as I trust that I will have them when I need them.

I’m learning that it’s okay to want financial abundance and freedom, that it’s not greedy to want to have money and the financial freedom that comes with that. For it is through this abundance and freedom that we can help others.

I’m learning that life is energy, and it’s a choice as to how you use that energy. I’m choosing to use that energy for light and good, for abundance and assistance, for the greater good – for myself, my family, my friends, and the world. For I AM.

Love, light, and blessings to you all!

Tami