What Being Married to a Narcissist Taught Me
Hi everyone, you may or may not know this about me, but I was married to a narcissist. That marriage gave me two beautiful children and taught me lessons I never expected. Getting out from under his control was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it led me to who I am today.
The Illusion of Love
When I first met him, it felt like fate. I was sure he was “the one,” and even when I turned to my intuition, I believed the message I received confirmed it. When I asked, I was told, “This is your happiness, grab it.” Looking back now, I see it differently—I had to weather that storm to truly understand what happiness means.
He had this uncanny way of making me feel like I was the most special person in the world. I felt seen, cherished, and valued in ways that made me believe he was my perfect partner. As I fell under his spell and started believing everything he told me, everything changed the moment he knew he had me. The perfect image shattered faster than I could comprehend. Suddenly, my opinions didn’t matter, my voice was silenced, and everything I did seemed wrong. The harshest part? He made me believe it was my fault. I learned that with a narcissist, it’s always your fault.
The Narcissist’s Playbook: Love Bombing and Isolation
It started with what I now know as love bombing. The affectionate texts, the thoughtful gestures, the gifts—it all felt like a dream. I was sure I had found someone who saw every part of me and loved me without hesitation. But beneath that facade, a plan was unfolding.
The love bombing wasn’t just affection; it was a tool, one that made me reliant on his validation. Slowly, he began to sow seeds of doubt about the people around me. “Did you know so-and-so said this about you?” or “Are you sure that friend has your best interest at heart?” were questions that made me second-guess relationships I once trusted.
He cloaked his manipulation as protection: “I’m only looking out for you.” At first, I believed him. I felt grateful that he was there to “keep me safe” from those who might hurt me. What I didn’t realize then was that his goal was isolation. The more he could distance me from friends and family, the stronger his control over me became.
I remember one incident vividly, even though it was over 25 years ago. We had just had our first child, who was now 8 months old, and I told him I wanted to leave. His response was cold and calculated: “What are you going to do? Go back to your parents? They don’t want you. I didn’t want to tell you this, but your dad said to me on our wedding day, ‘She’s your problem now.’” I argued back, insisting my dad was only joking. But he doubled down, saying, “No, he was dead serious.”
I recall feeling trapped, unable to confront my dad out of fear of insulting him if it had been a joke, and terrified to know if it hadn’t been. That uncertainty and the sting of his words left me defeated, and I stayed. Once again, he had manipulated me into believing that he was the only person I could rely on, my supposed sole savior.
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Gaslighting and Control: The Reality Shift
With isolation came gaslighting, and that’s when things became even more confusing. I remember countless times when he would say hurtful things and then deny them, twisting the conversation to make me question my sanity. “I didn’t say that,” he’d insist, while I stood there, certain that he had. I began to doubt myself. Did I hear him wrong? Was I overreacting?
The mental fog was suffocating. Sometimes I’d muster the courage to stand up to him, but then he’d flip the script with more love bombing. He’d send me a surprise message, bring home flowers, or suddenly become attentive and caring. It was like a drug, and I fell for it every time, hoping that maybe this time things would be different. But the cycle would start again, and each time, it chipped away at my sense of self.
The Turning Point: Clarity Amidst the Chaos
When we first got together, I was captivated by his confidence, wealth, and charm. I ignored the red flags, convincing myself that he was just protective or misunderstood. But as our relationship deepened, the love bombing faded, and the gaslighting and condescension took center stage. The realization that something was terribly wrong came slowly, like pieces of a puzzle reluctantly fitting together.
One of the most devastating moments was when he sided with my biological father. You see I had told him the truth, that I had been sexually abused by my biological father between the ages of 7 – 11. When I first told him he was outraged and expressed immediate support in my favor. Fast forward 10 years and he somehow started doing home renovations for my biological father. As that relationship grew he began dismissing my claims that I had been abused as a child. He said that my biological father explained the abuse away and then proceeded to accused my mother and I of making it up, a betrayal that left me reeling. If he couldn’t protect me from that pain, then who was he really? The answer became clear: he was the source of my pain.
The Day I Chose Me
The turning point came during my brother’s destination wedding. He didn’t attend, and for a brief week, I felt an unexpected weight lift. I often traveled for work, and while I enjoyed those trips, I assumed it was simply because I loved what I did. But this time, it was different. It was my first vacation alone, and I realized that the sense of relief I felt came not just from being away but from being away from him. I saw myself clearly again—the capable, respected person I was at work. And it hit me hard: I deserved that respect and kindness at home, too.
When I returned, his anger ignited over even the smallest things. He tried to break me down, both physically and emotionally, pinning me on the couch under the guise of “cuddling” and telling me not to “be such a mom” because he and the boys had “changed” while I was away. In that moment, as I struggled against him and realized he wouldn’t let me up, the truth became undeniable: we were not safe.
If you’d like to read more about how I continued to discover my inner strength and transformed my life after facing another life-altering chapter, you can find that part of my story in the chapter Becoming Who I Am Here to Be in the book The Strength to Shift, on page 55.
Leaving wasn’t easy. Telling him I wanted a divorce unleashed a storm of manipulation. He called my parents to inform them of the divorce, even though they already knew from me, and he convinced friends and some family members that I was tearing apart a happy home. It was painful, isolating, and terrifying—I felt like I always had to look over my shoulder. But despite the fear and loneliness, I pushed forward, step by step, for myself and my children. I learned that choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s survival.
The Aftermath and the World Beyond
In the years after, he spiraled deeper into his own darkness—quitting jobs, lying, evading responsibilities, and driving recklessly. But I had already chosen a different path. I found strength in my story and realized that there were others out there who needed to hear it.
What I see now, in our broader world, are similar patterns on a much larger scale. The tactics of manipulation, blame, and sowing doubt are playing out in leadership, media, and public figures. People are desperate for someone to believe in, even if that person manipulates them. It’s a reminder that narcissists don’t change; they evolve their tactics for a bigger stage.
How This Experience Shapes My Coaching
Understanding these behaviors, the cycles, and the painful path out of them has given me a unique lens through which I coach others. I can spot the signs, offer empathy, and empower clients to break free from their own cycles of doubt and manipulation. My journey has taught me not only survival but transformation, and I use that knowledge to guide others toward their own breakthroughs.
If my story resonates with you and you’re ready to take the first step in reclaiming your life, consider booking an Inner Brilliance Breakthrough Call. This session is designed to help you reconnect with your power and take back control.